It's never easy

It's approaching and I can feel it. Unless you are an alcoholic you will never know what it is that makes me so antsy. I put on this mask, this face when I'm near people Bragging and boasting of going without a drink for coming up on 12 years now. Underneath my insides are shaking, my head is spinning. I can see the me that was when I drank and I think I want to be her, again. I want to sing off key and dance without a care. Then I think of how I could not stop. It wasn't one, two or three.
It was seven, eight, nine and there was no end. I want to celebrate my victory, but I know I am only one of the many who are on this crusade. Tell someone you want to celebrate and the first thought is to bring out the booze. Even when you tell them or they know you are an alcoholic. They show up with a bottle of wine, thinking
"It's only wine, it's not really alcohol, surely they can have a sip of wine"
One sip, one drink, one gulp one drunk.
It's your celebration, your moment. They claim they are not an alcoholic, yet they disrespect you by ordering a drink with alcohol. It drifts into the air and you can smell it and almost taste it. It feels as if you are cheating perhaps relapsing having this demon so close to you. You watch as they take each sip, each gulp.
You began to curse silently to yourself. "How could you fucking do this" Don't you see what it is doing to me" Damn You!
I just want to be able to go to a RESTAURANT with silverware and cloth napkins and nice waiters without the presence of alcohol. I want the lights on, to be able to see my food.
Don't get me wrong, don't be afraid to invite me to a party that you are hosting. It's your party, do what you want Serve what you want. Let me make the decision on whether to attend. It's never easy but I try to make like it is.