Staying Awake

I had a full day yesterday
Got up at 4am to go volunteer at MS Bike Ride then went over and helped at Relay for Life for Ocean Twp
Got home around 2pm and napped until 4pm
Had a bowl of cereal and left at 6:30 for the play It was wonderful!!
Now, I'm paying for it all by trying my best to keep awake I did go to church. Why I don't know.
I listened to the Pastor babbling on and on, not agreeing with any thing he said
Guess it must be all the hypocrites in my life who make me feel the way I do
One minute talking about how "christian" they are and then the next degrading someone because of their nationality or sexual preference.
I think I have to remain true to myself and just give up the thought that if I go something inside of me will change or they will
I told SCAN I will be leaving and next Thursday is my last day

Getting by slowly

Still having difficulty with keeping focused.
It's like nothing matters.
I have this urge to survive, but the question of WHY lingers in my mind.
The guy upstairs has his TV blasting.
If I were to go up and stab him could I get off on mental.
defect Oh wait I told you so that's per-meditated.
I think I watch too much Law & Order Right now I've got on Lifetime Movie Network. You know that channel with these skinny "I'm so beautiful" girls who can blink their eyes and get a guy. Yet, they whine about a hair out of place or something ridiculous. I keep wanting too eat
Mostly junk.
Especially CHOCOLATE

In Memory of Mom

Today is My Mom's Birthday or would have been.
She died on August 4, 1985 at the young age of 67. Something, I thought would never happen. Especially for her to die before my father did.
We had made such grand plans for the day he keeled over. I knew my mother was in and out of the hospital, but I never knew how serious the situation was. It was natural for me. I always believed that everyone's mother went in and out of the hospital.
She had an ulcer on her ankle and she would go in often to have skin grafted from her upper thigh. Then came the day she told us, she had colon cancer. My life was in a whirlwind of alcohol and raising my son alone and working and things of that nature
My father didn't accept my son, so visiting my Mom was few and far between. Her & I would talk on the phone for hours.
Plotting the plan for the day when he would no one longer be around. Then the next thing i know She's going to the hospital for a serious operation It left her blind and bewildered for a few months
Then OK and then it went down hill. I don't know all the facts to this day
I just know, that on that morning of August 4th, my sister called to tell me my mother had died. I knew she was back in the hospital but not that it was like that.
I miss her so much :(
I think about her on the day she died, but it's now in May that hits me the most I'm going today with the Gals from Eatontown Community Center for lunch at Zachary's If Mom was still here, I know she would have enjoyed going

The Pill Won

I went yesterday to get the pills and guess what
The pharmacy told me I did not have a prescription for them
and that I have not been taking them since February
I tell them I swore I either gave them the script or the driver the last time he delivered to me
Then it all went to hell right then and there.
Tried to call the doctor to get him to call it in and I get voice mail.
I call the crisis number only to be told I'm calling the ER and they direct me back to the start
I call my psychologist and again voice mail
The shrink does call back says to go to the doctor and see if he can give me something, because it will take a couple of weeks for the pills to kick in
Plus I want to be sure he or they got the message to call in for those little white pills
Only thing is I can't see him until 2pm tomorrow they tell me
"I'm here now Do you understand this" I want to cry , but I hold it back
It's almost time to get my granddaughter, so I leave
I realize I do not want to be alone.
I do not want to jump off a bridge or anything like that
I just want to be near people, so I call and ask to spend the night
But my emotions are high and the tears are rolling and it comes out as a cry
All this comes as a sign that I need to slow down
I can't let the pill win , again

LITTLE WHITE PILL

I'm trying to convince myself that my life does not
revolve around a certain little white pill (Lexapro)
A pill I have noticed I have not been taking lately.
A pill it seems controls my moods Or does it
Am I allowing it too?
Why do I feel the way I do Act the way I do? Have I always been like this and just didn't know?
Do others know? Why am i feeling so worthless?
I have been up and down since 1am and I have a list of things to do
Do I do them? Hmmm some
One thing on my list is to go and get those little white pills
I better go before I explode!!

Mother's Day Blues

It's Mother's Day and I'm sitting at home alone. Yeah, I know. Why? I could tell but no matter what I say it's going to seem, it's about me Well guess what, IT IS!!
I am the Mother. Granted I wasn't a great mother. I wasn't even a good mother
In fact I probably deserve to be treated as an after thought for all I did and didn't do. But, it's been 14 years and I am still trying to pay back that wrong.
I used to look sometimes for something from the man who's child I had Only he continually reminded me "You are not my Mother" I thought he had a valid point at that time. But now, I see why this was just one of the many reasons we never married. After a while I accepted what he said and knew he would never get me anything to thank me for giving him his child.
Through the years, I received the homemade cards and gifts from my offspring. Wonderful cards that were hand selected with just the right verses or sayings. I'm going to stop now, because I need to.

FOOD ENEMY OR FRIEND

Too often we got through life believing food is our enemy It didn't start out that way.Your Mom or Dad or someone made you the food and you ate it. There were things you loved

and things you hated

It was usually the same thing over and over. Then as you got older, you discovered new foods and found out some of those foods from the past were not so good for you. We mustn't forget the guilty pleasure foods

All and all we must stop letting food control us
I KNOW I AM
Now I'm not going to go crazy and start eating giants bowls of rice, but if I do decide to have a bowl now and then, I will make no excuses. I'm still not going to eat any peas (yuck)
But I will make it up in spinach, green beans, collard greens and broccoli
Not to leave out carrots, cauliflower, salads, etc
My highest weight in the last 10 years has been 283
With a change in eating habits Not dieting, mind you, I dropped to 233 It keeps bouncing between 233-245
Perhaps because I do indulge in some pleasures now and then But you know what I make no excuses for it. No one will make me feel guilty and I will not feel guilty for it.
I applaud those who can stand steady on a "diet" or a regiment of good eating
But please stop with the comments.
You know the ones
"Oh, this is so fattening"
"I really shouldn't eat this" ( as you eat more and more)
And for gosh sakes EAT YOUR DAMN BREAKFAST